


Picasso and His Ax

by A5tr0punk



Category: I'll Give You the Sun - Jandy Nelson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:42:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26395846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A5tr0punk/pseuds/A5tr0punk
Summary: Noah Sweetwine is a lot of things, but a destroyer of a life not his own isn't one of them.OrNoah doesn't tell Courtney.
Relationships: Brian Connelly/Noah Sweetwine
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	Picasso and His Ax

**Author's Note:**

> My style is heavily influenced by Jandy Nelson but it isn't perfect! Here's a stab at some canon divergence!  
> It's in first person but it's my best attempt at Noah. Hope you like it!

I stumble home in a haze. My head is pounding, my brain like a water balloon that’s full to bursting. Then I see him, and it clears, until I see the lipstick on his face and the Courtney by his side. They look… not right, exactly, but practiced. Only Brian and I look right like that, but they seem like an outcome you might expect. If you weren’t me.  
I’m drawn to him. I can’t help it, that’s just Brian. I see the moment he sees me, and the moment he realized the tableau he’s become. This isn’t a painting he’d like as much as the rest of what I’ve done, I think.  
“Noah, you’re- you’re crying.” I don’t know when that started, but I don’t intend to stop now.  
“Oh, well, you know, I’ve had a bad day.” I watch the hurt cross his face. He didn’t think about my day. He didn’t want to. I can see it in his eyes. But now it’s real. Now he has to think about me. I wipe at my mouth, gesturing for him to do the same. He just stares.  
Sighing like it’s a burden to be this close, and maybe it is, I pull my sleeve down over my hand and wipe the lipstick off the corner of his mouth. He’s trembling, like tears might be welling in his eyes, but I stopped seeing anything a second ago.  
“Gotta have some decency around your family and friends, Connelly.” I don’t see him wince. I don’t see Courtney’s horrified expression.  
“Oh my God, is this- are you- ?” I bark out what must be a laugh, and then I’m bent over, giggles shaking my body.  
“God, no. Oh, please, don’t be ridiculous. I could do better. Besides, Brian doesn’t really do love, does he? He’s more of a drifter, I think.” I chuckle a little one last time, before straightening out. Letting my toes be a whole other timezone. “I should go check on Jude.”  
I don’t see Brain Conelly’s face as I walk away. But I see it everywhere else.

A knock on my window. When I don’t answer, Brian climbs in on his own.  
“What the fuck was that?” He recoils, seeing the state of my room. The torn drawings in the trash. The blank walls. “Noah…”  
“Who?” He sees me, ball in the corner of the bedroom, and starts crying. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry before.  
“Noah, don’t do this. Not now. Not today.”  
“Do what?” He drifts over to the trash, and sees his face, reflected back at him. I needed one last drawing before I cut myself off. And Brian is my David. My muse. He puts his hand on it, the lipstick stain on his graphite cheek like an accusation.  
“God, Noah, God, I-” He chokes on his own words, like he did in the woods, but it’s not tender today. It just hurts. “What happened? You were okay when I left-” I laugh a little, just at that. He wipes his face.  
“You seemed fine. What changed?”  
“My goddamn mother. What does it matter?” He crouch's down in front of me.  
“Because, I- I care about you.”  
“Sure.” That gets me a heavy sigh, and he sits down, puts his head in his hands. I miss the white bonfire more than ever.  
“I want to help, Noah. You don’t think I can love?”  
“I never said you couldn’t. I said you don’t."  
“That’s not fair.”  
“Not much is, Conelly.”  
“Why can’t you say my name?”  
“Because I love Brian so much it hurts. All my goddamn fingers and he can’t even see a fucking therapist for himself, or for me.” His head drops into his hands again. I think he might be crying. For the second time in forever. At first it felt good, a new part of him I hadn’t seen yet, but now it just hurts. “Please don’t cry, Brian, please don’t.” I’m whispering and he hears it anyway, and from his hands, there’s a noise akin to a squeak.  
“You… Noah, I-” I’m crying again now, trying to make myself smaller, trying to get away from the Brian that’s hurt, but I’m curled up against the wall. He looks up at me, and I don’t have time to dissect the look in his eyes before he’s stroking my cheek, just staring at me. This part is tender. “You think I don’t love?  
“I love you, Noah, I do, and I wish I cared less about the future and more about you, but I keep remembering how dark it was in that closet, how scared I felt, how much I’d trusted them. You’re right. I know you are, but… I’m scared. I wouldn’t have you there. When you’re gone, it’s just so much harder to be strong.”  
“You love me?” Brian laughs.  
“Of course I do. How couldn’t I?”

"Then that's enough. I'll do whatever it takes. I'll keep your secret forever, if I have to." He sighs, pressing our foreheads together.  
"You won't have to."


End file.
